Postmodern Job Application

Dear Sir/Madam/HR AI Robot – some explanation, I am assuming that you are using an Artificial Intelligence web robot to filter applications, it is not meant to imply that you do not possess real intelligence, although I will reserve judgement if you don’t mind) .

I would like to apply for the appealing position at the Savoy – I am assuming the campus is at a nice hotel by the same name as the London equivalent, very classy and I am sure I would add to that.

JOB TITLE: Dean of the Savoy Campus

-Masters degree minimum – Yes, I have two and a superior one as well, alas it is not in catering or bar service, trust I have not misinterpreted the use of the term Savoy, I guess it could also refer to a popular biscuit severed with cracker barrel cheese

-A minimum 5 years previous experience as an educational administrator – well yes, but why does it need to be restricted to education, my life has been rich and varied (well not rich in the money sense, which I am hoping you will put right) and I have a fabulous sense of the humour.

-In depth understanding of US High School academic programs, International Baccalaureate Diploma Programme preferred – now this makes no sense, it is not possible to have an in depth understand as the US curriculum is far too shallow, think low tide and diving in, there is nothing in depth about it. The use of the e on the end of programme is reassuring for an American school.

-Boarding school experience or equivalent preferred – alas being rogered in the middle of the night by some well meaning farm boy eluded me (in a great many respects I am thankful), but I do a great plough man’s lunch! In private we could discuss if I qualify under the “equivalent”, but I doubt it.

-Overseas teaching or working experience preferred – yes, I have that, but isn’t the Savoy a grand pub, why do you want teaching qualifications, is it food training school as well.

-Familiarity with accreditation systems – yes the Michelin Star system is wonderful, and no doubt there are other less reliable rating services I could easily falsify on the Web, if this is of interest.

-Prior experience as a classroom teacher – well yes, do you have difficult guests, my Gravesend (austere name for a town I grant and Pocohontas caught a fever there an went to the spirit world – little know fact team, file away for the next quiz night) experience will put me in good sted here, handling the delightful Craig (aren’t they all) means I can handle any uppity notable. –

-Coaching or experience in extracurricular activities preferred – yes coached Hockey, footy, and have a range of other experiences and qualities that probably fit into the term extracurricular, which I take it to mean not related to what job one may have – like writing job applications, when at work, perhaps? I have experience herding goats and cats and in fact all manner of idiotic creatures that have not the slightest scintilla of an attention span or resemblance to anything intelligent.

-Computer proficiency, highly organized, task oriented, committed – what do I need to be committed to, you don’t say, but yes unfortunately I do know about computers (but I am assuming this is not important), provided you are clear about the task I will commit (funny how that only has one t, why) to at least consider doing it – you would have to ask others about the odd combination “highly organised”, I am not sure I follow. Being used in the same sentence as “computer” is an oxymoron of sorts – sorry, I don’t mean to imply you are a moron, although you could easily be with some of the dash points (well there not dots are they?)

-Strong interpersonal and communication skills, excellent team-player – I am often referred to as “strong willed and don’t tolerate fools easily”, but it is true that people are very clear what I think or deaf, my writing is, for example, a wonderful exhibit of clear and lucid prose, don’t you think? Well I did play footy, so yes I have played in a team, not sure about the term excellent, some days I missed from a few feet – the goals that is, which is a metaphor for organisational goals when you think about it, is that why you ask?

-Excellent role model Well probably, but to whom, a herd of well meaning strip tease artists perhaps, you really need to be more specific, I am beginning to wonder if I should apply or not, it is a bit like a postmodern-post-modernity exercise in the absurd writing this (let alone anyone that reads it, including the aforementioned HR Robot)

-Strong public speaking skills – after a few I can rant with the best, I can also call “time you lot of arseholes” as well as anyone to clear a bar after hours, odd use of the term Strong, possible “keenly refined, or focused, but strong? What is wrong with just GOOD?

REPORTS TO: – lot of cooks in the pot here mate – see my comments.

Head of School, Managing Director – is this one or two people, anyway I am happy to report, but what do I report, I wish you were more specific.

Interfaces with – what does Belle Epoque mean, Belle means beautiful in Italy, does it mean the same thing in Switzerland? I am probably happy to interface (you have some funny terms) with that Dean, the rest all sound like a bunch of tossers!!

Primarily: Head of School, Dean of Students, Dean of Belle Epoque Campus, Head of Operations, Registrar, Director of Studies for Savoy Campus, and Director of Learning Support Other: Administrators, teaching staff, academic and support service staff, students, and parents.

Appraisal Yearly according to the 360 approach – why 360, aren’t there 365 days in a year, oh I get it, it is circular reference i.e. 360 degrees, bit steep mate, take forever to get that many degrees. Love St Anselm